Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Help or company in chaos

I have a very dear friend, one of my dearest friends. I adore her and respect her in every way and look to her for councel.

I take consolation from the fact that she once threw a couch at her teenage son.

He richly deserved it.

She is a great mother and a great human, also one of my few friends with kids that are older than mine; as in she has already survived adolescence.


I didn't throw the chesterfield today and I am glad.

Any stories or advice out there?

Newbie Mom-of-teen is sitting here, ready to listen.....

11 comments:

kate said...

Sorry, no advice-- just cringing to think what's in store for me! Good luck!!!

Boo and Trev said...

Wow! Who is your friend? The Incredible Hulk? Can I just say that you will look back on this and laugh and they do get nicer.
I have probably related to you my drunken daughter at a wedding story so just think that it could be so much worse when she's driving you round the bend!

hulagirlatheart said...

Breathe deeply...walk away and come back when you are calm, but don't expect them to be any more rational when you come back. It just doesn't happen.

And fasten your seatbelt. It's going to be a bumpy ride. I never go anywhere without headache medicine.

Carla said...

There is an apt bumper sticker I once saw that read, "Hire a teenager while they know it all." LOL

Being a 3 time teenager survivor, I say to pick and choose your battles, maintain your boundaries and humor, and realize this is a normal phase towards eventual independence.

I survived by dreaming of finally obtaining empty nest syndrome. LOL!

Boo and Trev said...

Me again. Having thought about this and I think that the teenage years are mostly a lot of fun. Hearing their stories from school and seeing them changing so quickly week to week is lovely really. They are becoming lovely, funny young people. True they can be very annoying and it can all be a tad fraught at times but on the whole the good outweighs the bad.(OK I am a little empty nesty and have the rose coloured specs on my nose!)

Helen said...

Kate was the only one of mine who did the whole tantrum/stomping/door slamming thing, and even while she was doing it I though - I recognise that from myself. However as Boo says mostly they are fine, and mostly they do respond to reason once they have calmed down. I will tell you the whole wooden spoon story if you like (late teens). However Mum's method was applied and worked - have as few rules as you can live with but stick to them absolutely eg curfews were absolute unless arranged in advance, and with mobile phones there is no excuse for not telling you where they are. I can also tell you the story of kate's abortive party if you like. Like when they are younger - don't do anything in temper, do it in cold blood, even if you have to go out to cool down sometimes.

Beth said...

oh I agree with Carla. You've got to pick your battles. My rules were these:

no sex
no drugs
no drinking
no cussing

everything else doesn't really matter...they want to color their hair purple? Go for it! You want to pierce your ears? Pierce away! But always be respectful. I've been pretty successful with this approach...my teenagers are pretty great.

oreneta said...

Sorry Kate, I did'n't mean to alarm you...three boys and all...

Boo, drunken daughter at the wedding...I am not so sure....blessedly at this stage it is coming in fits and starts...jekyll and hyde like...so there are plenty of good moments too...I could see throwing the couch, I really could.

Hula, I got that too....amazing how fast a headache can come on. Good tip. breathing is good too..and walking away. I did that when they were toddlers, I have to relearn these skills a bit. Well not relearn, but get over the surprise that they need to be reused.

Carla, laughter is good....very good. Perspective...yup, ground rules, working on that...still being debated. I am firm, the question is whether she is convinced of that yet.

Boo, it is important to hear the view through the rose coloured specs...lets you know that it won't go on this way forever, only a decade or so...only.

Helen, mine stomp and slam, but so do I upon occasion so I am reaping what I have sown...I would LOVE to hear wooden spoon stories and abortive parties...
Do nothing in hot blood. That I didn't manage. Need to cool down. I am still being sideswiped by the sudden disappearance of all vestiges of sanity in the teen...lunatic alert....I have to remain cool, or away. Clearly it will be better.

Beth, I hear you on those...though I cuss, so that's a toughy. I told them they can cuss when they can drive. Drinking in Spain is a tricky one too...I'll have to alter that around. A little wine with dinner is a norm around here. Though I am not sure how much that is true with kids and teens. Both girls have tasted wine, and found it disgusting. (yahoo)

Yes with the respect. That is what gets me crazy...eye roll = contempt. I don't handle contempt well.

The girls were asking who I thought would make a good US president of people we know. The man was asked by them if he thought I would, he replied that I would make a good president of Nicaraugua...I'd have more outlets for my frustration with idiocy.

Lynda said...

Also a 'teenage survior"... agree - pick your battles - or, do like I did...

When she slammed her bedroom door for the 4th time in one day.. I got a screwdriver and took the door OFF the hinges... then I hid it in the neighbors shed.

When she couldn't be bothered to help with the laundry and just dumped all her dirty stuff there for mum to wash (I have always worked fulltime) - I grabbed it all and bagged it up and put in on the front porch.. she found it when she came home, but not before her latest boyfriend saw it.

When she was on STUVAC and was supposed to be deep into her books.. I would take ALL the remote controls from all the electrical appliances and the handsfree phone set to work with me... (in all those years she never worked out how to turn on the telly without a remote)

And now she is 21 - lives on the other side of the world (as far away from her mother as possible) - and loves us to bits...
Just ride it out... you put in all the hard work the first 10 years - it will come back later.

Good Luck.... do you drink? If not, you probably will by the time it is over.

Lynda said...

Oh yes -- and set the 'no negotiation' rules...

"Under no circumstances are you to get in a car with a drunken driver.. I don't care if it is 4am - we will come get you."

That was rule numero uno.

We worked down from there...

oreneta said...

I have already threatened to remove that door...and if I could get her to put anything into the laundry that would be a step forward....I know another woman who carries a bag full of remotes and computer hardware with her to work, indeed nearly everywhere she goes....one of these days...indeed I just signed up for messenger...ahhhhhhhh

Never drive with drunks...GREAT rule, especially because here, most of them are driving motos...gak. I may have to buy a moto just so I can pick her up!