I am reading this fascinating book called "Watching the English" by Kate Fox.
It is an English anthropologist studying the English people, not the Scots or the Welsh, let alone those grungy colonials. She's studying the English.
It is, I have to admit, fascinating. Especially as a grubby colonial with English family.
One of the things that struck me in the book was her comment that many English women open conversations with a compliment, coupled with a self-denigrating comment, the reply follows the same formula. This is a form of conversation opener and a kind of 'social grooming', a way of maintaining a relationship...relatively meaningless, but makes everyone happy and keeps us all in touch.
What is striking for me is that many Catalans here have commented on how often I compliment people.
There was one woman who, when pregnant, said she LOVED to run into me because I always commented on how wonderful she looked - for all intents and purposes an obligatory remark when speaking to the obviously pregnant, at least within my stretch of the world.
Seems the Catalans routinely comment on how fat and whale-like pregnant women look.
Fascinating how differently we work in small matters some times.
I would still prefer to be told I was glowing with health and beauty however fat, baggy-eyed, greasy and nauseous I was/looked.
No?
Then again, I'm an anglo.
7 comments:
So funny! And yet that struck a cord with me. I do intentionally try to compliment people. Partly because I know how it feels to have that little something extra in my day that feels good, and I like to spread cheer. But mostly it rang true because I have to fight hard to not denigrate myself. Perhaps because I grew up with anglos (!), and all along I just thought they were disfunctional!
I once threw a glass at someone who told me I looked whale like during pregnancy, and I am not given to displays of temper. A compliment is better, every time.
I like noting and commenting on the positive – brings forth smiles and makes the world a happier place.
The self-denigrating comment? Hmm... I’m going to watch for that.
Bodhi....I don't know if the English are supposed to believe it, the example she gave was saying something like, "Your hair is SO lovely, mine always looks like a limp rag." I have heard people say things like that...though I don't. I do try to comment on the positive, it does improve people's days.
mmichele, you GO girl!!!Probably a richly deserved fit!
Beth...yes, I point it out ever time. I do sometimes make the self denigrating ones, but it is usually when I feel I have to to put myself on a more even footing with someone (which sounds obnoxious for some reason), rather than I feel that I believe it.
Weird dances we do.
Bodhi....I don't know if the English are supposed to believe it, the example she gave was saying something like, "Your hair is SO lovely, mine always looks like a limp rag." I have heard people say things like that...though I don't. I do try to comment on the positive, it does improve people's days.
mmichele, you GO girl!!!Probably a richly deserved fit!
Beth...yes, I point it out ever time. I do sometimes make the self denigrating ones, but it is usually when I feel I have to to put myself on a more even footing with someone (which sounds obnoxious for some reason), rather than I feel that I believe it.
Weird dances we do.
Telling hormone-drenched moms-to-be that they look dreadful?!!! It's a wonder that the expectant moms aren't all in prison for assault and that those big-mouth Catalan critics aren't all picking embedded shards of glass out of their faces...
(note to self: never travel in Spain while pregnant)
Interesting subject indeed. I must have become quite anglisised over the years because I think it is a very clever move to compliment somebody and then be less complimentary about yourself, like offering the other person an illusive advantage in whatever comes next!
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